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Former President Donald Trump was overseeing an emergency meeting with his campaign manager. There was concern about his recent public comments.
“Sir, you’ve insulted women, Black people, Indian Americans, childless people, people who like cats, people who laugh, people who drive electric cars (except for Teslas), war veterans…”
“Oh yeah, war veterans. I got them good.”
“The disabled…”
“So true. I nailed the spazzes.”
“Jews who don’t vote for you, the FBI, Georgia Republican Governor Brian Kemp, your former vice president, people who like windmills, and people who believe in climate change. You’ve even insulted the police by supporting the January 6 rioters who attacked them. We’re losing ground.”
“I love my January 6 rioters.”
“The only people you haven’t insulted are white men and Taylor Swift.”
“Do you think Taylor likes me? She’s very attractive. I think she likes me. Why wouldn’t she like me? She reminds me of Ivanka. Ivanka can sing “Edelweiss.” Do you think Adele likes me? She’s lost a ton of weight. I weigh the same as I did when I was 27. Did you ever see The Magnificent Seven? Yul Brenner was good in that. Whatever happened to him? He was as bald as a bowling ball. Can I have a Diet Coke?”
“Mr. President, we have to focus.”
“Does Camella like Diet Coke?”
“It’s ‘Kamala.’ People are upset that you’re mispronouncing her name.”
“Why wouldn’t I mispronounce it? It’s not a normal name, like John, Paul, George, or Donald. I mispronounce her name as a form of respect. To make it sound more American. Whereas, maybe she was born in Kenya, I don’t know. Maybe someone should look into that.”
“She wasn’t born in Kenya, she was born in California.”
“Was she? I’m just asking. Have you seen her birth certificate? She sounds foreign. Kam-ALLAH. Is she Muslim?”
“No, sir, she’s Christian. Her name is pronounced ‘CALM-ala.”
“Kamellela.”
“CALM-ala. If it makes it easier, sir, think of it as rhyming with ‘Pamela.’ That’s close enough.”
“Remember Pamela Anderson? Whatever happened to her? Or Jane Mansfield? Boy, she had a rack. I could use a rack of lamb right about now. Do you think it’s better to be bitten by a dog or scratched by a cat? Or caught in the eye of a tornado or pushed in an active volcano? Hey, that rhymes. I gotta bring that up in the rally tonight.”
“Please focus, Mr. President. Kamala is up in the polls and JD Vance has been doing so badly, there have been calls to exchange him for someone who might broaden our coalition. Maybe a Black person like Tim Scott.”
“I don’t know. Is he Black or is he Scottish? He looks Black, but I can kind of picture him in a kilt. It’s confusing.”
“What about a woman?”
“But even with women these days, you don’t know if they’ve been a man. At least with Vance we know he’s not a woman, Black, or Scottish. He’s a Hillbilly. That’s all American.”
“Mr. President, your insulting people has begun to really hurt us in the polls.”
“I don’t want to appear needy. In fact, I’m so sure I’m going to win, I don’t need anyone to vote for me. I’ve got this in the bag. I’m going to tell all my voters to stay home.”
“Please don’t do that, sir. We’re concerned you’re already alienating huge constituencies.”
“I know. I’m already halfway there.”
“Halfway where?”
“Well, the way I see it, if I insult everyone, then no single group can complain I’ve unfairly attacked them. By picking JD, I’ve already insulted hillbillies, because he insulted them in his book, called them lazy layabouts. So now all I have to do is go after white men in general.”
“Please don’t insult white men, they’re all we’ve got left.”
“But don’t you see? If I insult white men, then I will have insulted the whole population. And that’ll bring the country together.”
“You’re saying you’re bringing the whole country together by insulting them?”
“Da! I mean, yes. Because they’re all in the same boat. Maybe an electric boat that’s sinking. Do they stay in the boat and get electrocuted, or do they jump in the water and get eaten by a shark? I’ve got the whole country thinking about this. And we’re all in the boat together.”
“Even you?”
‘Yes, even me.”
“But you’ll be the only person you haven’t insulted.”
This got the former president thinking. He was stumped.
“You’re right. I can’t insult myself. So I’m not in the boat. I’m maybe on the dock, chipping golf balls out to sea. And I see what’s happening, with all the people in the water getting electrocuted or eaten by a shark. And maybe I throw them a lifesaver. Who knows? It’s not out of the question.”
J.B. Miller is an American writer living in England. His novel Duch will be published in January by Lori Perkins Books.
