|
Listen To This Story
 |
Americans love TV shows. There are dramas like CSI: Toad Suck, Arkansas and Dr. Mader, Super Surgeon; comedies like TSA: Totally Silly Airport; reality shows like Evil Bachelor: Dark and Handsome; or competitions like Who Can Dig the Deepest Hole in Cleveland?
Fine, we made those up, but you get the point.
In any case, a presidential campaign combines all of these. There is plenty of drama, lots of unintentional comedy, prizes to be won, and it is (mostly) unscripted.
That’s why we want to treat this year’s race as a TV show, which we call Survivor CSI: Washington DC — Who Wants to Be a President? (granted, that’s too long, but we wanted to fit all of the categories in there, so for now, we’ll just call it POTUS).
It’s gotta be said that the show’s ratings have been sinking in its past few years. The protagonists are generally unlikeable, and America is getting a bit sick of it… and them.
Even the introduction of POTUS’s first coup attempt wasn’t a hit with audiences (apart from the MAGA demographic), especially when the series did not then retire its main villain, Donald Trump, and unbelievably brought him back for another season.
This year, the showrunners, in their ongoing efforts to breathe new life into the series, retired one of the protagonists, Joe Biden, and there was an assassination attempt on Trump… in the span of nine days.
Seeing how there are still three months until the season finale (or, if Trump wins, possibly the series finale), there is still time to rev up the ratings with some clever plot twists and casting shockers — even aside from the traditional “October Surprise” episode, which will have to pull out all stops to top the events of the past two weeks.
To make sure the show keeps its increasingly jaded audience engaged, we propose below a few plot twists of our own.
Behold our episode blurbs.
“Taylor Swift Boating Trump” — Pop sensation Taylor Swift blasts Trump and endorses Vice President Kamala Harris. Knowing that the former president doesn’t handle criticism well, especially from women, this episode focuses on his campaign manager’s attempts to hide Trump’s phone so that he can’t post a nasty response on Truth Social and lose the massive Swift voting bloc forever.
“Not Ready for Prime Time” — This episode follows struggling GOP vice presidential candidate JD Vance. Throughout his political career, he has always said what he thought others wanted to hear. Now, with the spotlight on him, Vance doesn’t know what to say or do, which results in a series of hilarious gaffes.
For example, doubling down on comments he made in 2021, he suggests during an interview with Sean Hannity that a separate tax bracket should be created for childless women with cats since they “don’t contribute anything to society.”
“You’re Fired!” — This follow-up episode begins with Vance being summoned to Mar-a-Lago in the aftermath of what is now known as CatTaxGate.
After a chilly reception, he is escorted to the boardroom where Trump, reprising his role from The Apprentice, fires his vice presidential nominee in an unprecedented move.
He then holds a tryout to choose another running mate.
North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum, wrestling star Hulk Hogan, cannibal Hannibal Lecter, reality TV personality Omarosa, and US District Court Judge Aileen Cannon fight for a spot on the ticket.
“Veepstakes” — In order to compete with Trump/Hogan 2024, Harris is trying to make a splash with her own selection.
And a splash it is! After her campaign indicated that she is looking for a running mate who can balance the ticket and has executive experience at the highest level, Harris reveals her selection during a prime time special and chooses… Joe Biden.
Then, after everybody has a good laugh, she announces that Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro will join her on the ticket.
Hogan immediately challenges Shapiro to a vice presidential cage match, which the Democrat politely declines.
“Not Debatable” — In the meantime, Trump continues to refuse to debate Harris unless it’s on his terms. Specifically, the former president wants the verbal duel to take place on Fox News with a MAGA audience that is allowed to throw stuff at the Democrat.
Negotiations break down after Trump insists on his son Don Jr. as the moderator of the debate, while Harris says she would only be willing to go as far as Eric.
After the talks collapse, the former president laconically notes that the Democrat “is not his type anyways.”
“Shark Week” — This episode just consists of a camera crew following Trump around and asking him about sharks. That may not sound exciting, but if you have ever watched one of his speeches, you know he has plenty to say on this subject.
“The Big Day(s)” — Election Day has finally come. And, as in previous seasons, it ends with a cliffhanger; because of the inaptitude of state lawmakers in swing states, the actual result will not be known for days.
This leads to a grander version of the former president’s Big Lie.
“The Supremes” — After Trump loses the popular vote by a few million once again, he then secures the only votes that really matter when the right-wing majority of the Supreme Court votes 5-4 (with a weeping Chief Justice John Roberts looking on) that Trump should just be given the presidency as well as carte blanche for any crimes he wants to commit.
That sets up an exciting next season of POTUS… unless the new/old president cancels democracy altogether.
